The Cruise

Mrs Sox and I have just got back from our Holidays……….


Day 1

We arrive at the terminal. The size of the ship is impressive. Our bags are unloaded and thrown onto a trolley and we are ushered into a line to go through passport control. Lots of expectant holiday sun seekers accepting being shouted at and being treated like cattle going to the slaughter.

Once on the ship we hurriedly make our way to the bar for free drinks and to get drunk, because we are trying to get our money’s worth.

Day 2

All you can eat buffet breakfast.

Broil in a Jacuzzi for 20 mins with early morning cocktail.

Cool off in pool for an hour with Belgian beer.

Dry off and go to the cafeteria for large strong coffee and as much cake as I can eat whilst still maintaining the ability to get back to the sun lounger near the pool and cocktail bar.

Several cocktails and beer then…

Buffet ‘all you can eat’ lunch. Waddle back to sun lounger like a penguin carrying an egg on its feet. A slight tummy pain and belching is to be expected seeing as I got my money’s worth.

A smiling waiter, ever helpful, offers to bring me my favourite drink. I accept the offer and lie back on the sun lounger. Reeling in the hot sun I can feel my tan coming along nicely and doze.

I think you get the picture. A 5 course formal dinner, an ‘end of the pier’ type show, more alcohol and I pour myself into bed.

Day 3, 4 and 5

Total blur, except that no matter how much I shove in one end nothing seems to be coming out the other end. Pressure is building it must be the water, I’ll stay away from that. At least I have eaten and drank enough to get my money’s worth.


Ships log… 6

Life on a ship can be a cruel place. The indigestion has taken its toll. Having eaten several times my own body weight in food every day and drank more alcohol  than George Best and Gaza I have come to the conclusion that getting my money’s worth is not always best; although it seems to have become a habit. All the other sailors are struggling too. Their red sun baked bellies are distended and they are struggling to walk.

Sat there in the cocktail lounge, eyes sunken, staring at our drinks, myself and the other sailors  acknowledge the jazz band ending one of their tunes by clapping like seals who have been taught what to do but have no chance of reward.

Bartender happily offers to get me another drink and I positively acknowledge by passing him my glass. I should have said no but… I have to get my money’s worth.

Day Seven

The blistering heat is causing problems for the crew. Their distended bellies point to the sky and slowly bake in the marinade of sun cream and sweat.  Some are red some are turning purple. Those of us that can still move, slowly make our way to the pool like turtles trying to get off the beach. Plopping into the pool and floating to the other side I rest my head on the steps and close my eyes. I don’t know how long I’d been there but I was awoken by the waiter saying … another drink sir. And of course I said yes … I have to get my money’s worth.

Day 8

We finally hit land. One by one we are wheeled off the ship. We keep our distance just in case one of us goes pop and starts a chain reaction.  Touts and shops pick at our wallets like carrion birds looking for a feast. When they can feed no more, we are moved back to the ship so we can get more food and drink… so we can get our money’s worth.

Day 9

After breakfast I manage to climb the steps into the Jacuzzi. I get to the top totally spent by the exhaustion of the ascent, panting, feeling dizzy and finding an inner strength I lower myself into the hot bubbling water. After drinking a Pina Colada I absorb water and more chlorine into my skin than used in a First World War gas attack. I float to the steps and slowly lift my wrinkled and bloated body from the water.

Wrapping a towel around myself I shuffle to the nearest lounger that is in full sun and collapse, coming round briefly to lay on my back and accept a cocktail from a smiling waiter… happy that… I am getting my… well you know.

Day 10-ish

Beep beep beep.

I am awoken by a beeping noise. I still have my eyes shut. I can’t remember going to bed. A hand touches mine and I open one eye. My wife is there. “It’s going to be ok “she says “your figure has taken a bashing but the doctors say you will make a full recovery.”

Apparently I got my money’s worth from the travel insurance too.



All above was written with a certain amount of artistic licence and in no way apportions blame on any cruise company for the over indulgence of holiday makers and cruise passengers.


One thought on “The Cruise

  1. Ha ha! I feel your pain on ‘figure damage’, having once enjoyed three cream teas, while in Devon. I should add this was over a number of days, not all at once 🙂


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